Do you have the most amazing first dates ever? Full of great conversation, lots of fun, and memorable moments? We’re here to help! Follow our fool-proof advice to make your first dates miserable:

1. Don’t offer to pay for the meal. Guys, its your money. You barely know this girl. Make her buy her own food. Girls, it is the guys job to pay for your meal. Demand it.
2. Wear heavy cologne or perfume. Nothing says “look at me, I’m attractive” like the smell of whale barf. Wear enough so your date can find you by scent if you get separated at the theater.
3. Arrive fashionably late. You don’t want your date to think you are too interested. Show up 45 minutes late to show that not only are you interested, but you are cool. Ladies, even if you’ve known for days what time your date is going to show up, don’t bother to start getting dressed until 5 minutes before the date. Guys love sitting in your living room for 45 minutes while you try on clothes.
4. Talk about your ex. Make it clear to your date what you do/don’t want in a relationship by frequently referring to your ex. They’ll appreciate funny anecdotes and will feel closer to you as you rant about their shortcomings.
5. Talk politics. Hate Bush? Hate Obama? Let your date know! Surely they’ll agree with your position, because anyone in their right mind would hate insert hated political group/person here.
6. Complain about work. Your job sucks. They work you too hard, your boss is a jerk, you get lousy hours. Let your date know! Dump the cares of your world on their shoulders, and free yourself from the burden for a few hours.
7. Let them know how amazing you are. Won 2nd place in the Pinewood Derby in 3rd grade? Voted class president in Junior High? Your date needs to know how amazing you are. Whenever there is a lull in conversation, blurt out something you’ve accomplished or an award you’ve received, and your date won’t be able to help but become infatuated with you.
8. Flash your cash. Talk money! It is important to establish early in the relation who is going to be the sugar-daddy/momma and who is going to be the gold digger. If your date doesn’t make enough money, cut things short with a clever line like, “Oh no, I think I left the oven on!”
9. Dress casual. This is a date, not the opera. There is no need to dress up a little nicer than usual, or clean yourself up any more than you normally would. Haven’t washed your hair in a few weeks? Do your jeans have a few holes in them? Pit stains in the arm pits of your t-shirt? That’s fine! If your date isn’t cool with who you are, then it just wasn’t meant to be.
10. Answer your phone. Your date should understand that your friends/family/wrong-number-callers are important to you. If your phone goes off, answer it on the first ring and don’t be shy of talking for 5, 10, or even 15 minutes.

    Bonus tip: Let your date know where they stand by talking about your date so far with whoever just called you.

What did we miss? What would you do to fail a first date?

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