There are dozens of ways to prematurely end a good relationship and possibly even drive them to physical violence. Here are a few of my “favorite” ways, in no particular order.

1. Say “I love you” on the first date. You can’t know if you love someone on the first date. Even if somehow you think you do know, you are likely to really freak them out if you tell them.
2. Ask your partner why they are dating someone like you. Physical and emotional attraction are very strange things. It is often hard to put your finger on exactly why you like someone, and when confronted with that realization, it is often easier to just end the relationship.
3. Tell your partner that they deserve better than you. People tend to believe what they are told. Tell your partner that they deserve better and they are likely to find someone who thinks they do deserve them.
4. Make fun of your partner’s hobby, prized possession, or favorite collectible. A few good demeaning comments should be enough.
5. Don’t show up for a planned date. Nothing says “I love you” like being stood up for a date.
6. Shave your head. Contrary to popular belief, girls do not like bald people. For you ladies, guys really don’t like bald chicks.
7. Tell her yes, those jeans do make you look fat. A nice blast to her self-esteem should be enough to get her to search for a better partner.
8. Go on dates with other people, especially their best friends. If you really want things to end quickly, throw a few kisses in there, too.
9. Stop bathing. If the above suggestions don’t work, try driving them away with your body odor or your greasy hair.
10. Dictate what they can and can’t do. Forbid them from talking to old boyfriends. Demand that they show up at 7:00 PM sharp. Control every aspect of their life.

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